Saturday, October 01, 2005
It's been along time I know
Yep, long time. Excuse my language but same shit, different day. That is the voice of discouragement, frustration and weariness.
I thought I had a job, now I'm not so sure. Long story, won't go into it. You know what's got me really discouraged? The price of gas. I think the discouragement starts there then fans out. Should I explain that? You need gas to drive your car so you can get a job. You need a job so you can buy gas so you can get to your job. Without a job you can't get gas to drive to the gas station so you can fill up so you can go to work. Did I just say that over and over again? Oh well, I've got lots of time and no money. I'm not whining but I'm pissed off.
I'm angry, frustrated and have been hitting my head against a brick wall that has a female name. I usually think I have a voice of reason but you wouldn't know it. Emily is beside herself, I am beside myself, I refuse to believe that I am a failure. I know I am supposed to be here for some reason. I know it. Inside myself it sits there like a rock. Purpose. But.....For God's sake what is it?
Am I supposed to be learning patience? Longsuffering? I am I am!!!!
I have taken an active role in the home schooling here. The kids are way behind. I mean over a year behind. The two oldest ones, haven't even finished yet. They should be graduated.
There is absolutely no structure, no rules, nobody that makes anybody do a damn thing around here. When I try to get somebody to actually mind their mama, I become the bad man. The kids play video games all day. There is no bedtime. The youngest will be up till midnight or later. By the time everybody actually rises around here, breakfast fed, it's dang near 1:00 in the afternoon before school starts. This is frustrating for me because I am an early riser. I also tend to go to bed early. Last night I was awakened by a child at 12:30 in the morning eating ice cream and laughing at me. What the hell is up with that? I try to explain things, but there is no concept of time.
The mother is never on time for a damn thing. I'm serious. Keith said the only time he can remember his mother being on time for anything was when they set the clock ahead. I know it's not my responsibility to fix things. But they do not live in the real world here. Someone is waiting for a man to come and marry her, raise her children, pay her bills, and be the loving strong Christian man that she needs.
HELLO!!!!
Maybe I shouldn't go on this way, maybe writing about this is morally wrong. Maybe the thoughts I'm having are morally wrong. I do want to say though that everything I write about that pertains to my situation, these are all things that we have talked about among us. I am not saying something here that I have not said directly to the parties involved. Maybe the thoughts I'm having are killing me. Emily is starting to suffer. I will not allow anyone to call my daughter Evil. No One!!! She is loving, compassionate, gentle, and headstrong, but she is a walking fury lately. She can't understand how anyone can proclaim love and Christianity and be so blind. Do the things she does. Be so oblivious to the real world. Ingrid actually believes that Emily introduced her kids to swearing! She actually believes that before Emily came her children never watched an R rated movie. Now I don't condone all R rated movies, and I certainly don't think young children should be viewing most of them, but Emily is 18 as Sherri is. They have seen the movies, they have heard the words.
I'm just very furious right now. I'm angry, frustrated, discouraged and honest to God I haven't felt like this most of the time here. Just today as the rain has fallen heavy and steady, the world feels so very faraway and I'm wondering if there are sane people out there, anywhere, I really needed to vent so thank you and good night. Oh wait, it's only 9:54!!!!
If this sounds too whiney or what ever to you, then push the next button and get off my blog gawd damnit!!!!
Damn where's Charles when I need him? ¶ 10/01/2005 09:00:00 PM
I thought I had a job, now I'm not so sure. Long story, won't go into it. You know what's got me really discouraged? The price of gas. I think the discouragement starts there then fans out. Should I explain that? You need gas to drive your car so you can get a job. You need a job so you can buy gas so you can get to your job. Without a job you can't get gas to drive to the gas station so you can fill up so you can go to work. Did I just say that over and over again? Oh well, I've got lots of time and no money. I'm not whining but I'm pissed off.
I'm angry, frustrated and have been hitting my head against a brick wall that has a female name. I usually think I have a voice of reason but you wouldn't know it. Emily is beside herself, I am beside myself, I refuse to believe that I am a failure. I know I am supposed to be here for some reason. I know it. Inside myself it sits there like a rock. Purpose. But.....For God's sake what is it?
Am I supposed to be learning patience? Longsuffering? I am I am!!!!
I have taken an active role in the home schooling here. The kids are way behind. I mean over a year behind. The two oldest ones, haven't even finished yet. They should be graduated.
There is absolutely no structure, no rules, nobody that makes anybody do a damn thing around here. When I try to get somebody to actually mind their mama, I become the bad man. The kids play video games all day. There is no bedtime. The youngest will be up till midnight or later. By the time everybody actually rises around here, breakfast fed, it's dang near 1:00 in the afternoon before school starts. This is frustrating for me because I am an early riser. I also tend to go to bed early. Last night I was awakened by a child at 12:30 in the morning eating ice cream and laughing at me. What the hell is up with that? I try to explain things, but there is no concept of time.
The mother is never on time for a damn thing. I'm serious. Keith said the only time he can remember his mother being on time for anything was when they set the clock ahead. I know it's not my responsibility to fix things. But they do not live in the real world here. Someone is waiting for a man to come and marry her, raise her children, pay her bills, and be the loving strong Christian man that she needs.
HELLO!!!!
Maybe I shouldn't go on this way, maybe writing about this is morally wrong. Maybe the thoughts I'm having are morally wrong. I do want to say though that everything I write about that pertains to my situation, these are all things that we have talked about among us. I am not saying something here that I have not said directly to the parties involved. Maybe the thoughts I'm having are killing me. Emily is starting to suffer. I will not allow anyone to call my daughter Evil. No One!!! She is loving, compassionate, gentle, and headstrong, but she is a walking fury lately. She can't understand how anyone can proclaim love and Christianity and be so blind. Do the things she does. Be so oblivious to the real world. Ingrid actually believes that Emily introduced her kids to swearing! She actually believes that before Emily came her children never watched an R rated movie. Now I don't condone all R rated movies, and I certainly don't think young children should be viewing most of them, but Emily is 18 as Sherri is. They have seen the movies, they have heard the words.
I'm just very furious right now. I'm angry, frustrated, discouraged and honest to God I haven't felt like this most of the time here. Just today as the rain has fallen heavy and steady, the world feels so very faraway and I'm wondering if there are sane people out there, anywhere, I really needed to vent so thank you and good night. Oh wait, it's only 9:54!!!!
If this sounds too whiney or what ever to you, then push the next button and get off my blog gawd damnit!!!!
Damn where's Charles when I need him? ¶ 10/01/2005 09:00:00 PM
Comments:
<< Home
Hey there Bridge. You know, I wish I was there right now to go for a walk and be there for you. I'm thinking of you!
I certainly understand the frustration of the car/work situation. I was in the same position until recently. My luck has turned; I hope yours does as well. You certainly deserve it!
Your living situation is less than ideal. I think taking care of Emily is your #1 priority. Whatever it is that you are there to learn, I hope you find an alternate living situation soon, for both of your sakes. Sometimes no matter how much you love a friend, living with them is just a bad idea.
I certainly understand the frustration of the car/work situation. I was in the same position until recently. My luck has turned; I hope yours does as well. You certainly deserve it!
Your living situation is less than ideal. I think taking care of Emily is your #1 priority. Whatever it is that you are there to learn, I hope you find an alternate living situation soon, for both of your sakes. Sometimes no matter how much you love a friend, living with them is just a bad idea.
Thank you Aravis. I would certainly be into going for a walk with you. You are very level headed, wise beyond your years and a compassionate soul.
In the mean time I'm staring at this damn computer screen because to leave it means I have to deal with things that I'm plum too worn out to deal with.
In the mean time I'm staring at this damn computer screen because to leave it means I have to deal with things that I'm plum too worn out to deal with.
Charles is just an email away, where he always is. :) I agree with Connie that Emily should be your first priority right now and that your living situation is less than ideal. You are in a tight spot (gasoline prices, job hunting, etc.) which would overwhelm anyone, but you need to keep your head straight and think.. write me.
Hi Charles, I was thinking of your adventures in the elevator with that woman who was having the panic attack, how you sat on her and sang.
I also have a wicked sense of humor and can make almost anyone laugh when I apply myself. *G*
Charles sat on a woman and sang to her? Was it that she calmed down, or passed out from sheer lack of breath and desperation to escape his singing? *LOL* Just teasing you, Charles. ;0)
Post a Comment
Charles sat on a woman and sang to her? Was it that she calmed down, or passed out from sheer lack of breath and desperation to escape his singing? *LOL* Just teasing you, Charles. ;0)
<< Home
