The Grave The grave that they dug him had flowers
Gathered from the hillsides in bright summer colors,
And the brown earth bleached white at the edge of his gravestone.
He’s gone.

When the wars of our nation did beckon,
A man barely twenty did answer the calling.
Proud of the trust that he placed in our nation,
He’s gone,
But eternity knows him, and it knows what we’ve done.

And the rain fell like pearls on the leaves of the flowers
Leaving brown, muddy clay where the earth had been dry.
And deep in the trench he waited for hours,
As he held to his rifle and prayed not to die.

But the silence of night was shattered by fire
As guns and grenades blasted sharp through the air.
And one after another his comrades were slaughtered.
In morgue of marines, alone standing there.

He crouched ever lower, ever lower with fear.
"they can’t let me die! they can’t let me die here!
I’ll cover myself with the mud and the earth.
I’ll cover myself! I know I’m not brave!
The earth! the earth! the earth is my grave."

The grave that they dug him had flowers
Gathered from the hillsides in bright summer colors,
And the brown earth bleached white at the edge of his gravestone.
He’s gone.

Don McLean   ¶ 10/26/2005 07:21:00 PM 1 comments

  Dreidel   ¶ 10/26/2005 06:45:00 PM 1 comments

  Flannel wrapped   ¶ 10/22/2005 05:58:00 AM 1 comments

  Observations in early fall This evening I watched the sun set over the Olympic Mountains. It was so beautiful. When the sun had finally gone down, there was an awesome star, I believe it was Venus, but it shone so large and so brightly it was unbelievable. There were a few small cigar shaped clouds that hung in the sky that were so illuminated by the setting sun that they looked like gold disks floating above the mountains. It was a really beautiful evening here. The sun has been out all day and felt so warm, no winds that whipped up from the shore, just shimmering, glimmering water and beautiful blue skies.

I've gotten into the habit of late to wake at 5am and after grabbing my much needed espresso I head to the deck where I am alone with cigarettes and coffee. A very good time of the day when the world seems asleep. I can look out over the water to where Port Ludlow is and see lights coming on in the homes, the tiny lights of cars that are starting to travel the road there. The trees are turning autumn colors the Japanese maples already in full red regalia. I love to see the multicolored leaves scattered through the streets and on the sidewalks.

Where is this post going? No where really, just making observations.

  ¶ 10/21/2005 08:25:00 PM 1 comments

  I still have part of my mind!! We have been here now 52 days I think. That is almost two months. Alot has happened and a lot has not happened.

I have a JOB!!!!

I am now what is called a Home Care/Companion. I am one of those people who help your grandmothers, grandfathers, or anyone that might need a little extra help around their home. Whether it be in bathing, meal preparation, running errands, drives in the country, or just sitting around shooting the bull. I am good at these things. I am taking care of one woman at present who really seems to like me. She is a little Scandinavian woman nearing 90 and she likes my Scandinavian looks. Ha ha!! She also likes the way I place her towels on the towel rack, the way I offer to clean her floor and her cupboards, and she even trusts me to wash her valuable dishes!!!

I like this job. I get to get lost in more places now then just in Hansville. I'm learning all the roads not to take when trying to get somewhere and how not to find my way home. My hours are still minimum but these will increase when I take a course that will certify me. Then I will be certifiably insane and then they can place me in more homes. You see I still have my sense of humor intact. A little rusty but it still works. It is my greatest coping skill.

Lets see what else is going on????? I can't write about it yet. Crazy!! Unbelievable!!! But.......
I am selling my jewelry in a local gift shop and that is really awesome. Right now the same woman has bought my jewelry. 3 bracelets and now a necklace. I love this woman who ever she is. When I see her, should she happen to be wearing any of said jewelry I will kiss her feet. She has helped to keep me in gas and smokes, two necessities right now. Oh, God lets not forget the coffee. Yes good strong coffee!!!

I also have Randy and my ex-husband to thank for helping to keep Emily and I stocked in gas, various sundries, money that goes to Ingrid, and emotional support, this offered by other bloggers who know who they are ;-)

Anyway, I won't go into the family dynamics at this point because I might start pulling my hair again, and I can't afford to lose anymore!!!! Let's just say that I get a lot of blank stares from the Queen of this castle. We live in a very large castle that is surrounded by 6" tall fences, and I fear that no one will get out alive. I speak English and I haven't figured out what language she speaks yet. It's foreign, very foreign. Excuse me if I'm making light banter here but that is what is required of me right now. I have to keep my heart light, my sense of humor up and keep plodding away until such time I figure out what in the hell I'm doing here. I have to remind myself that we needed a place to go, and the Queen asked us here so that we might help in maintaining her castle and subjects.   ¶ 10/19/2005 09:35:00 AM 4 comments

  Ahhhh Leah, You make your mama proud

  ¶ 10/11/2005 09:38:00 AM 9 comments

  I just came in from pacing the deck. The stars are out in all
their glory. The sky is filled and I can imagine where we are
in the milky way. Spinning near the tail end, spinning, spinning
and spinning. I am not even a particle of dust in this vast
galaxy. There is no time out there, really. If there is it moves
so slowly as galaxy's and suns, stars and planets just move
endlessly outward.

I heard a pastor say one time many years ago,
"When God said, let there be light, he never retracted what
he said and so light shoots ever outward and the universe
expands." Mind boggling.

Such heavy thoughts for so late at night or early in the
morning. Such chaos today, such unrest in the house and
such turmoil inside me.   ¶ 10/07/2005 02:59:00 AM 3 comments

  I love this picture so much........


  ¶ 10/06/2005 11:17:00 PM 1 comments

  Jumping through hoops Well about that job at the casino....I had to tell them no. No more hoops am
I jumping through for you. The last hoop seemed to be asking more then
any place or person of business should ask of another human being.
I don't know where the Patriot Act figures in on all this, but my privacy
would be totally obliterated by the time I finished with all that they require.

I've sent everyone away, I'm going to take a day and have a little nervous
breakdown. I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow. I will put my cynicism back on
in the morning, wrap myself in my coat of sarcasm later after coffee, but
for the rest of today my eyes will rest on the spots that are on the insides
of my eyelids.  ¶ 10/06/2005 03:20:00 PM 3 comments

  I want to be a Rock   ¶ 10/03/2005 09:02:00 AM 5 comments

  It's been along time I know Yep, long time. Excuse my language but same shit, different day. That is the voice of discouragement, frustration and weariness.

I thought I had a job, now I'm not so sure. Long story, won't go into it. You know what's got me really discouraged? The price of gas. I think the discouragement starts there then fans out. Should I explain that? You need gas to drive your car so you can get a job. You need a job so you can buy gas so you can get to your job. Without a job you can't get gas to drive to the gas station so you can fill up so you can go to work. Did I just say that over and over again? Oh well, I've got lots of time and no money. I'm not whining but I'm pissed off.

I'm angry, frustrated and have been hitting my head against a brick wall that has a female name. I usually think I have a voice of reason but you wouldn't know it. Emily is beside herself, I am beside myself, I refuse to believe that I am a failure. I know I am supposed to be here for some reason. I know it. Inside myself it sits there like a rock. Purpose. But.....For God's sake what is it?

Am I supposed to be learning patience? Longsuffering? I am I am!!!!

I have taken an active role in the home schooling here. The kids are way behind. I mean over a year behind. The two oldest ones, haven't even finished yet. They should be graduated.

There is absolutely no structure, no rules, nobody that makes anybody do a damn thing around here. When I try to get somebody to actually mind their mama, I become the bad man. The kids play video games all day. There is no bedtime. The youngest will be up till midnight or later. By the time everybody actually rises around here, breakfast fed, it's dang near 1:00 in the afternoon before school starts. This is frustrating for me because I am an early riser. I also tend to go to bed early. Last night I was awakened by a child at 12:30 in the morning eating ice cream and laughing at me. What the hell is up with that? I try to explain things, but there is no concept of time.

The mother is never on time for a damn thing. I'm serious. Keith said the only time he can remember his mother being on time for anything was when they set the clock ahead. I know it's not my responsibility to fix things. But they do not live in the real world here. Someone is waiting for a man to come and marry her, raise her children, pay her bills, and be the loving strong Christian man that she needs.

HELLO!!!!

Maybe I shouldn't go on this way, maybe writing about this is morally wrong. Maybe the thoughts I'm having are morally wrong. I do want to say though that everything I write about that pertains to my situation, these are all things that we have talked about among us. I am not saying something here that I have not said directly to the parties involved. Maybe the thoughts I'm having are killing me. Emily is starting to suffer. I will not allow anyone to call my daughter Evil. No One!!! She is loving, compassionate, gentle, and headstrong, but she is a walking fury lately. She can't understand how anyone can proclaim love and Christianity and be so blind. Do the things she does. Be so oblivious to the real world. Ingrid actually believes that Emily introduced her kids to swearing! She actually believes that before Emily came her children never watched an R rated movie. Now I don't condone all R rated movies, and I certainly don't think young children should be viewing most of them, but Emily is 18 as Sherri is. They have seen the movies, they have heard the words.

I'm just very furious right now. I'm angry, frustrated, discouraged and honest to God I haven't felt like this most of the time here. Just today as the rain has fallen heavy and steady, the world feels so very faraway and I'm wondering if there are sane people out there, anywhere, I really needed to vent so thank you and good night. Oh wait, it's only 9:54!!!!

If this sounds too whiney or what ever to you, then push the next button and get off my blog gawd damnit!!!!

Damn where's Charles when I need him?  ¶ 10/01/2005 09:00:00 PM 5 comments